All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
