My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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