I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I haven't been this sober since birth.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
my liver is dry heaving
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
