I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
