When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i think i just lost a toe
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
