Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
