I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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