Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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