well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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