Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize