apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
