I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
