Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
