Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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