You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
