a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
