do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Houston, we have a squirter
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
