I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
