You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
