If i could tip my vagina, i would.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
