when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
