I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
