wanna go halves on a baby?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
