Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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