My Higher Power is John Stamos
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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