I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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