did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
