fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
