my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
