He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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