Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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