I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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