Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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