Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
