Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
