A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Boobs are out for the taking
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
