I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
