He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
