We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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