I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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