Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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