Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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