Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize