I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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