Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
