i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
