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I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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