So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
