Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
