his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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