I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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