i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
