sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
