Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
