i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize