Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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