dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
