Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize