Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
